Kevorkian for Congress

Jack Kevorkian, legendary assisted-suicide activist, has announced he's running for Congress. His platform: the Ninth Amendment to the US Constitution. He thinks we have all sorts of rights we aren't exercising , like assisted suicide or choosing not to wear a seat belt.

The Ninth Amendment provides: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Dr. Jack thinks that means just because a right - like the right to assist in a suicide - isn't listed in the Constitution, doesn't mean we can't do it. By that logic, does that mean if I don't like someone I can kill them? If I want a flat panel big screen TV, but don't have the money, I can steal it? How about if If I don't want to pay my taxes, I don't have to? None of those "rights" are in the Constitution.

The good Doctor is forgetting that, along with the Constitution, we have a vast system of federal, state and local law and regulation that affords and curtails rights and privileges and underpins our society. Hiccups in the system abound, to be sure, but we're a long way from the anarchy Dr. Kevorkian seems to be advocating. Who makes those laws up? Oh, yeah, it's Congress.

So what's Dr. Jack going to do all day if he gets elected if he's not making laws? Play tiddly-winks?

Minimalist Comics

Check this out. Next week: Blondie leaves Dagwood for the next door neighbor.

http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/

Move Over Twinkie Defense

So, this cop is out on patrol when he catches a guy in BMW speeding through tiny Salisbury, Connecticut. He pulls the guy over. Does the guy argue (1) Speeding? I wasn't speeding; (2) My spedometer's busted; (3) I was trying to outrun the alien overlords?

No.

Here's what he did argue: The Oreo cookie he was eating had fallen into his cup of milk. While trying to retrieve the treat, he lost control of the car.

The best part, the court clerk mistakenly put in the record he was charged with driving under the influence, not the real charges of driving with a suspended license and speeding.

You know those Oreo commercials where Grandpa is teaching his grandchild how to eat an Oreo cookie? In light of Oreo's new-found utility in criminal behavior, we think those commercials should be rewritten where, instead, Grandpa is driving the get-away car and grandson is in the passenger seat (properly buckled in, of course). Instead of eating the goo out of the cookie, Grandpa could teach junior how to shoot out the tires of the cops pursuing them. THEN, they could stop for a snack of Oreos and milk while they bond over the felonious activity.

OK, Oreo. I helped you out. I'll take the first shipment on my lifetime supply of free cookies right now.

Frozen Egg on a Stick, Anyone?

In the Midwest, yesterday, Easter Sunday, Old Man Winter pulled on a fresh pair of Depends and shuffled on out to nature's battlefield for one last (we assume) blast of winter. It was sort of like Rocky Part 6 Meets "The Ice Storm," or something like that.

Later, Scientists Determined That Geeks Rule!

A Harvard University study had 100 college students in and around Boston play more than 8,000 rounds of a version of the game "prisoner's dilemma" with dimes. "Prisoner's Dilemma" is the one where two prisoners are separated and have two options: they can either cooperate or not. If both cooperate, they both win (in this case, one dime). If both "defect," neither gets anything. If one cooperates and one defects, the cooperative one lost twenty cents and the one who bolted gets 30.

In the Harvard study, they added another twisht. The player had the option to punish one of the ones who didn't cooperate, and that person would have to pay 40 cents. The catch was, the punisher had to pay a dime to inflict the punishment.

The study found that the player who punished others LEAST often, or not at all, won the MOST money. The ones who punished the MOST made the least.

I'm thinking there's a lesson for Dick Cheney in here somewhere.

Guns, Guns, Guns

Today, the US Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case involving a Washington DC law that bans handguns. The case is historic in that the Court might decide for the first time ever whether the 2nd Amendment confers an individual right to have guns, or whether it was written with the intent to provide some sort of collective right to defend (a "well regulated militia") that may be an antiquated notion in the modern age.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/03/18/ST2008031802901.html

Disney's Plans for "Adult-Oriented" Theme Park

Now, suddenly, the fact that Donald Duck doesn't wear pants is making more sense.

http://www.wftv.com/news/15592397/detail.html?1

MYSTERY...Or Mere Annoyance?

The bumper sticker on the vehicle in front of me was red with white lettering. There was no emblem or icon that I could see indicating the sticker's origin. The lettering was:

"If this sticker is blue, you're driving too fast."

What does that MEAN?

Not knowing just could send me over the edge.

It's a classy, classy country, isn't it?

The only thing sadder - well, other than the possibility anyone would actually participate in this - would be if Governor Spitzer accepts the invitation.

http://www.macon.com/maconmusic/story/292746.html

"Twelve Angry Men"

If you find yourself in the Moline, Illinois area, the weekends of May 8-11 and 15-18, check out the Playcrafters Barn Theatre production of "Twelve Angry Men." It's a classic show with a first rate cast - including yours truly as Juror No. 5 (for movie buffs, that's the juror Jack Klugman played in the original from the 1950s)

Kidding Ourselves

An Associated Press article has reported that "ninety-five percent of those polled last August either completely or mostly agreed that it is every American's civic duty to pay their fair share of taxes." There are two noteworthy points here: (1) five percent of the respondents said people should cheat on their taxes "as much as possible;" (2) the survey was conducted by the IRS Oversight Board. What idiot is going to tell the IRS, "Yes, I think cheating on taxes is good"? That's sort of like asking a cop where you should go to get a person-shaped dent out of your fender.

In other survey news from fantasy-land, ninety-five percent of respondents (1) love spending time with their mothers-in-law more than watching The Big Game, (2) always attend church, (3) really enjoy helping their friends move, and (4) don't mind at all that you cut them off in traffic while talking on your cell phone.

When Dad Starts to Become Obsolete

The other day my adoring two-year-old daughter was "reading" me story before her bedtime and I managed to refrain from making one of my frequent silly comments about the book. When she got done, she told me "good job" for staying quiet. She also likes to remind me to "listen to my words" when she tells me to do something. It won't be long now and she'll be walking twenty feet ahead of me at the mall pretending we're not together and not long after that, when the neighbors bring me home again from my wanderings, she'll say, "That crazy old coot? Nope. Never seen him before."

Time flies when your children are aging you.

Too Bad He Didn't Have a +4 Healing Spell

Co-creator of the classic geek-fest "Dungeons & Dragons", Gary Gygax, has died at age 69. Just goes to show the unpredictability of life. Anyone can get a bad role of the multi-sided dice so live it up while you can.

http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,143152-c,games/article.html

Huckabee Out: America's Loss is Hollywood's Gain?

Tonight, Mike Huckabee dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination to clear the way for his new late-night talk show. He might have gotten a few delegates here and there on the campaign trail, but on "Saturday Night Live" and "The Colbert Report," he killed.

The only question now is, will Clinton or Obama be he one available to be Huckabee's sidekick?

Happy B-Day, Ted!

Yesterday was Theodor Geisel's 104th birthday. The author, who died in 1991, left behind some of the finest literature ever. Calling him a "just a writer of kid's books" does not do justice to his ability to incorporate fun and wimsy and intellect in cartoon form. I'm thirty-seven years old and still rank "Green Eggs and Ham" as the best book EVER. My two-year-old daughter is big on "Ten Apples Up on Top."

That's the word for today, people. Goodnight.

Check us out at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com

Hi, there

Hello, you. How have you been?

With war, recession, incessant bickering of political candidates, and the looming specter of Roger Clemens being indicted - maybe - for perjury, we thought you could use a new blog. Really, how many other places do you have to read some read opinions by someone you don't know?

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