White Supremacists for Obama

Never mind soccer moms; Nascar dads; the blue collar vote; the no-collar vote; or = latte-swilling, Prius driving, liberal elites. The hot demographic in the presidential campaign this year, apparently, is white supremacists.

The Anti-Defamation League and Southern Poverty Law Center, who monitor various supremacist groups like the Ku Klux Klan have concluded some 200,000 people in the US belong to such groups. Evidently, the leaders of this group think that Obama is going to win the election and when that hapens, whites will rise up in - what? - some sort of revolulion; a backlash against minorities that gives supremacists - or "nationalists" or "white activists" - a leg up in political control.

And we thought the Swift Boaters were bad.

The John Edwards Affair Affair

John Edwards, a career politician, had an affair. A horrible lapse of judgment certainly. Extremely painful for his family, no doubt. But spare me the hand-wringing of other politicians over this mess. His former presidential campaign manager David Bonoir, himself a former Michigan congressman, issued a statement after Edwards confessed when he said, "You can't lie in politics and expect to have people's confidence."

Shocked, he is. Shocked! I don't mean to be a cynic jumping on the politician-bashing bandwagon, but is anyone really surprised that yet another politician was caught doing something most of us would find repulsive. Really?

Actually, that is pretty cynical. Think I'll go rest.

Los Angeles puts moratorium on more fast food places

The Los Angeles City Council has voted to keep any new fast food joints from opening in the poor sections of town in an effort to fight obesity.

There's no question fast food is bad for you, but consider a couple things: (1) an awful lot of "wealthy" people drive their expensive SUVs to McDonalds too; (2)if you really want to fight obesity, why not aggressively fund school and extra-curricular physical education and nutrition programs, and take vending machines out of schools, and make cities more conducive to bikers and walkers. Outright bans don't often work very well. Didn't we learn anything from Prohibition?

What's next? Bootleg Big Macs?

Maybe they just really don't like that bridge

Officials in San Francisco are poised to spend $50 million to construct a steel net twenty feet below the Golden Gate Bridge pedestrian walkways in an effort to catch jumpers. Since opening in 1937, the Golden Gate has become the number one suicide spot in the world, with some 1,300 known suicides.

Why do people hate this bridge so much? Wouldn't a coat of paint or some pleasant music be cheaper?

Stunning, and yet not surprising

In the last week, we've seen people falling over themselves to comment on the front page news that the Supreme Court struck down a D.C. handgun ban. Gun advocates rabidly fight to protect what they perceive as the "right" to keep and brandish what is, by design, a deadly weaon. And yet, this same week, an appalling story about how a woman sat in a New York emergency room for TWENTY-FOUR HOURS and then died was stuck in the back of the newspaper. The woman went through convulsions, collapsed and died all while other patients, security personnel and MEDICAL STAFF watched without lifting a finger. It's all on video tape.

Why don't we all put down our guns for a minute and consider the state of our right not to be killed from incompetence and apathy exhibited by our health care system?

We'll all live longer.

You know, in case you were wondering.

Slim Goodbody is alive! Or was recently, at least.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8475072/

At least he wasn't cited for speeding

A man in Brisbane, Australia, was found sleeping in his motorized wheelchair in the middle of the highway and got busted for drunk driving.

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gBPtjaLOT3l5Nn5VDyl0XDN0DhawD91FOEL03

One of the cops also noted that one can be arrested for drunk-driving a horse. We're not sure which of you needs to be intoxicated to fall under the statute, however.

Coming Soon: "The Office: SeaWorld"

So I'm reading this story about how the Navy is doing hearing tests on whales. The type of whale? A Gervais' beaked whale. So was the actor/comedian Ricky Gervais named for the whale or the other way around?

I wonder about weird things.

Without it, we never would have gotten Elvis

It's the 50th anniversary of the debut of the hula hoop, the innocent toy that sent hips a-swivelin' the world around. To think, if there was no hula hoop, Elvis might have gone on "Ed Sullivan" and thrown a frisbee or watched a bad 3-D movie. His career, to be sure, would be over, but maybe he'd still be alive today.

Think about that. Video games might be cool, but plastic changed the world.

We don't want to know what they'll do with the inventor of the toothpaste tube

So the guy who invented the Pringles can died, and for his last wish, his ashes were placed in one of his cans.

http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=71179

No, he didn't die of the fever for flavor of a Pringles.

Is it wrong that this story really makes me hungry for some chips?

Coming to Fox:

The Hot New Reality Show "Moltin' the Most"

Isn't it enough we obsess with botox and buying our teenage daughters boob jobs for graduation presents. Do we really need to corrupt the animal kingdom with visions of artificial perfection:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080604/ap_on_sc/sci_bird_testosterone

Indy's Back!

So I saw "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." (Yes, it's a clunky title, but it's actually growing on me." Overall, an awesome summer adventure. Seeing Indy on the big screen is an incomparable experience. Harrison Ford, at 65, looks great and it was sort of intriguing to see the character, a 1930s era Nazi-hater, thrust forward into the 1950s with the Red Scare, atomic testing, and fifties rock n' roll.

Having said that, even though the chracters are all game, there's like almost no chemistry between them. "The Last Crusade" did a great job of combining action with heart and allowed the characters a little more depth. "Crystal Skull," though, feels more like a straight action piece.

Not that I'm complaining. They've had twenty years to get rusty. Spielberg and company, get to work on Indy 5 and see what you can do. Please don't wait another twenty years, because I'm not sure even Harrison Ford can pull off Indy at Eighty-five.

But I'll be there if he tries.

When guys bond

So I went to see a doctor I've never been today, just for an annual physical. In the course of idle chit-chat, it came out that we both have cats with the unusual name "Sneezer." This may sound like only a mildly interesting fact at best, but we bonded over this. How do I know? Well, despite the fact that various ominous acoutrements that accompany the final indignity of a guy's physical were proudly displayed behind him during the whole exam, he let me go without a rectal exam.

The moral: get a pet. A well-named cat will cover your butt.

If only really life came with standing ovations

"Twelve Angry Men" was a smash. Multiple standing ovations and lots of good press put the the capper on this awesome experience - on stage and off. The guys were great and their performances were even better.

If you've never put on a show for a crowd craving good entertainment with a group of your fellow humans, all of you wanting just to make that crowd happy (or moved or energized), you're really missing something. Go audition for that play, musical, open mic night, dance recital. Go now. Do it. Even if the theatre is closed. Just go sit there and wait for a director to show up. You'll be glad you did.

Opening Night

Tomorrow night is opening night for the production of "Twelve Angry Men" for my theatre group. I am hoping many legs will be broken.

I was reminded tonight that the classic 1957 film was later remade with Jack Lemmon. Anyone seen it?

If you're in Moline this weekend or next, check us out at Playcrafters. Ask nice and I'll even sign something for you. No tushies though.

Word is, they're looking for the other 25 monkeys and their typewriters

So it seems these fifteen monkeys escaped from a wildlife conservation facility in Lakeland, Florida. How they got the ski masks and commandeered a trolley car is anyone's guess.

Seriously, they got off their island by swimming across a pond. We can imagine how the conversation went at the orientation session:

"All right, you monkeys. You live on this here island. Right?"

"Ooh. Ooh!"

"Right. Now listen. The only thing keeping you here is this small stream that separtates you and the mainland. You're not going to swim across it, are you?"

"Aah. Ah!" (A few moments of bug picking).

"Good. Nighty-night." (Zookeeper exits)

Monkey 1: What a schmuck.

Monkey 2: We grew up in the jungle with trees and rocks and predators. He grew up in the 'burbs where the most dangerous thing was really hot latte.

Monkey: We break out tonight.

And you know the rest.

Modern Civility Dodges a Bullet

The Kansas City T-Bones, who intended to host a Michael Vick "Welcome to the Neighborhood" night May 28 which was to feature prison uniforms, spotlights and escape sirens, have thought better of it. Vick is serving his twenty-three-month sentence at Leavenworth. Enough people complained, that the ball club decided to scrap that and focus on events to encourage animal safety.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/football/nfl/04/19/vick.night.ap/

And society breathes a sigh of relief.

For definitive evidence that modern culture is going straight down the crapper...

...you need look no further than this:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/132240

For all those who think Grandma smells funny...

...That's nothing compared to this:

http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/nation/20080410-0313-closetbody.html

The play is the thing

I'm in the middle of rehearsal for "12 Angry Men" which I will be performing in May. The show is about a jury deliberating the fate of a 19-year-old accused of stabbing his father with a switch knife. So far, in rehearsal, only 4 actors have been killed with the props. So things are going pretty well.

Happy Birthday, Cell Phones

Today is reportedly the 35th anniversary of the first cell phone call.

Coincidentally, it is also the 35th anniversary of the death knell for normal adult, face-to-face interaction.

Hillary Update

Hillary Clinton told a crowd of Pennsylvania union workesr that, if elected, she will create three million new jobs. When asked how, she said, "Well, for example, my living room needs painting. There's one. And I need someone to walk my dog. That's two. Of course, I gess the painter could do that while the paint dries between the first and second coats, so it's really only a net gain of one job. Gosh. This is harder than I thought."

In other news, Barack Obama sucks at bowling. And the cable news channels felt compelled to dwell on it.

Will this election EVER be over?

Kevorkian for Congress

Jack Kevorkian, legendary assisted-suicide activist, has announced he's running for Congress. His platform: the Ninth Amendment to the US Constitution. He thinks we have all sorts of rights we aren't exercising , like assisted suicide or choosing not to wear a seat belt.

The Ninth Amendment provides: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Dr. Jack thinks that means just because a right - like the right to assist in a suicide - isn't listed in the Constitution, doesn't mean we can't do it. By that logic, does that mean if I don't like someone I can kill them? If I want a flat panel big screen TV, but don't have the money, I can steal it? How about if If I don't want to pay my taxes, I don't have to? None of those "rights" are in the Constitution.

The good Doctor is forgetting that, along with the Constitution, we have a vast system of federal, state and local law and regulation that affords and curtails rights and privileges and underpins our society. Hiccups in the system abound, to be sure, but we're a long way from the anarchy Dr. Kevorkian seems to be advocating. Who makes those laws up? Oh, yeah, it's Congress.

So what's Dr. Jack going to do all day if he gets elected if he's not making laws? Play tiddly-winks?

Minimalist Comics

Check this out. Next week: Blondie leaves Dagwood for the next door neighbor.

http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/

Move Over Twinkie Defense

So, this cop is out on patrol when he catches a guy in BMW speeding through tiny Salisbury, Connecticut. He pulls the guy over. Does the guy argue (1) Speeding? I wasn't speeding; (2) My spedometer's busted; (3) I was trying to outrun the alien overlords?

No.

Here's what he did argue: The Oreo cookie he was eating had fallen into his cup of milk. While trying to retrieve the treat, he lost control of the car.

The best part, the court clerk mistakenly put in the record he was charged with driving under the influence, not the real charges of driving with a suspended license and speeding.

You know those Oreo commercials where Grandpa is teaching his grandchild how to eat an Oreo cookie? In light of Oreo's new-found utility in criminal behavior, we think those commercials should be rewritten where, instead, Grandpa is driving the get-away car and grandson is in the passenger seat (properly buckled in, of course). Instead of eating the goo out of the cookie, Grandpa could teach junior how to shoot out the tires of the cops pursuing them. THEN, they could stop for a snack of Oreos and milk while they bond over the felonious activity.

OK, Oreo. I helped you out. I'll take the first shipment on my lifetime supply of free cookies right now.

Frozen Egg on a Stick, Anyone?

In the Midwest, yesterday, Easter Sunday, Old Man Winter pulled on a fresh pair of Depends and shuffled on out to nature's battlefield for one last (we assume) blast of winter. It was sort of like Rocky Part 6 Meets "The Ice Storm," or something like that.

Later, Scientists Determined That Geeks Rule!

A Harvard University study had 100 college students in and around Boston play more than 8,000 rounds of a version of the game "prisoner's dilemma" with dimes. "Prisoner's Dilemma" is the one where two prisoners are separated and have two options: they can either cooperate or not. If both cooperate, they both win (in this case, one dime). If both "defect," neither gets anything. If one cooperates and one defects, the cooperative one lost twenty cents and the one who bolted gets 30.

In the Harvard study, they added another twisht. The player had the option to punish one of the ones who didn't cooperate, and that person would have to pay 40 cents. The catch was, the punisher had to pay a dime to inflict the punishment.

The study found that the player who punished others LEAST often, or not at all, won the MOST money. The ones who punished the MOST made the least.

I'm thinking there's a lesson for Dick Cheney in here somewhere.

Guns, Guns, Guns

Today, the US Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case involving a Washington DC law that bans handguns. The case is historic in that the Court might decide for the first time ever whether the 2nd Amendment confers an individual right to have guns, or whether it was written with the intent to provide some sort of collective right to defend (a "well regulated militia") that may be an antiquated notion in the modern age.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/03/18/ST2008031802901.html

Disney's Plans for "Adult-Oriented" Theme Park

Now, suddenly, the fact that Donald Duck doesn't wear pants is making more sense.

http://www.wftv.com/news/15592397/detail.html?1

MYSTERY...Or Mere Annoyance?

The bumper sticker on the vehicle in front of me was red with white lettering. There was no emblem or icon that I could see indicating the sticker's origin. The lettering was:

"If this sticker is blue, you're driving too fast."

What does that MEAN?

Not knowing just could send me over the edge.

It's a classy, classy country, isn't it?

The only thing sadder - well, other than the possibility anyone would actually participate in this - would be if Governor Spitzer accepts the invitation.

http://www.macon.com/maconmusic/story/292746.html

"Twelve Angry Men"

If you find yourself in the Moline, Illinois area, the weekends of May 8-11 and 15-18, check out the Playcrafters Barn Theatre production of "Twelve Angry Men." It's a classic show with a first rate cast - including yours truly as Juror No. 5 (for movie buffs, that's the juror Jack Klugman played in the original from the 1950s)

Kidding Ourselves

An Associated Press article has reported that "ninety-five percent of those polled last August either completely or mostly agreed that it is every American's civic duty to pay their fair share of taxes." There are two noteworthy points here: (1) five percent of the respondents said people should cheat on their taxes "as much as possible;" (2) the survey was conducted by the IRS Oversight Board. What idiot is going to tell the IRS, "Yes, I think cheating on taxes is good"? That's sort of like asking a cop where you should go to get a person-shaped dent out of your fender.

In other survey news from fantasy-land, ninety-five percent of respondents (1) love spending time with their mothers-in-law more than watching The Big Game, (2) always attend church, (3) really enjoy helping their friends move, and (4) don't mind at all that you cut them off in traffic while talking on your cell phone.

When Dad Starts to Become Obsolete

The other day my adoring two-year-old daughter was "reading" me story before her bedtime and I managed to refrain from making one of my frequent silly comments about the book. When she got done, she told me "good job" for staying quiet. She also likes to remind me to "listen to my words" when she tells me to do something. It won't be long now and she'll be walking twenty feet ahead of me at the mall pretending we're not together and not long after that, when the neighbors bring me home again from my wanderings, she'll say, "That crazy old coot? Nope. Never seen him before."

Time flies when your children are aging you.

Too Bad He Didn't Have a +4 Healing Spell

Co-creator of the classic geek-fest "Dungeons & Dragons", Gary Gygax, has died at age 69. Just goes to show the unpredictability of life. Anyone can get a bad role of the multi-sided dice so live it up while you can.

http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,143152-c,games/article.html

Huckabee Out: America's Loss is Hollywood's Gain?

Tonight, Mike Huckabee dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination to clear the way for his new late-night talk show. He might have gotten a few delegates here and there on the campaign trail, but on "Saturday Night Live" and "The Colbert Report," he killed.

The only question now is, will Clinton or Obama be he one available to be Huckabee's sidekick?

Happy B-Day, Ted!

Yesterday was Theodor Geisel's 104th birthday. The author, who died in 1991, left behind some of the finest literature ever. Calling him a "just a writer of kid's books" does not do justice to his ability to incorporate fun and wimsy and intellect in cartoon form. I'm thirty-seven years old and still rank "Green Eggs and Ham" as the best book EVER. My two-year-old daughter is big on "Ten Apples Up on Top."

That's the word for today, people. Goodnight.

Check us out at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com

Hi, there

Hello, you. How have you been?

With war, recession, incessant bickering of political candidates, and the looming specter of Roger Clemens being indicted - maybe - for perjury, we thought you could use a new blog. Really, how many other places do you have to read some read opinions by someone you don't know?

If your attention span is just slightly longer than a blog entry can satisfy, you can also check out my free essays about life, politics and culture at www.carnivalofglee.com You'll be glad you did. Even if you're not, they're free.

Thanks.